Updated on July 14, 2011
It’s That Time Again (A Nigerian Scam)
The last one of these I did was in February. For those of you who are unaccustomed to my strange ways, I frequently get these Nigerian scams emailed to me. I’m sure you’ve seen them, offers of millions of dollars in exchange for helping some poor soul who died get the money out of the country. All you have to do is set up a bank account, or pay a small courier fee, or send your account information, or cash a “harmless” overwritten cashier’s check.
Not everyone understands that these things are scams. Consider these recent stories:
From Seattle, to Houston, to Pittsburgh these things are still suckering people, mostly elderly and young. So, I like to screw with these people. By making them think I’m interested in their ploys, I’m effectively taking them out of the game against someone who would actually fall for such absurdity. And I have fun doing it…
Here’s today “victim” of my insanity who claims to be a fellow soldier:
I hope my email meets you well. How are you and your entire family doing? I hope you all are kicking fine the bossom of the Almighty. I am very sorry to bother you/intrude your privacy. Please I am seriously in need of your assistance. My name is Sgt Jarvis M. Reeves, Jr. I am in the Engineering military unit here in Ba’qubah in Iraq. Due to the on going crisis over here in Iraq, we have about $25 Million US dollars that we want to move out of the country to invest in your country.
My partners and I need a good partner someone we can trust. It is oil money and legal. But we are moving it through diplomatic means, to send it to your house directly or a bank of your choice using diplomatic
courier service. The most important thing is that can we trust you? Once the funds get to you, you take your 50% out and keep our own 50%. Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where the funds can be sent to. Our own part is sending it to you.If you are interested i will furnish you with more details.
But the whole process is simple and we must keep a low profile at all times.
Waiting for your urgent response. You can contact me via my private email address [email deleted]. Awaiting your anticipated co-operation.
Sgt Jarvis Reeves
And now, my response:
It’s so good to hear from you, Sergeant. I was reading some news reports from Ba’qubah, Iraq the other day and saw a story about a SGT Reeves who had been gravely injured in a vehicle collision with a camel. Turns out that the camel’s rider was a pediatric nurse and saved his life by stitching up the wounds with the camel’s (bloody) tail hair. Was that you they were talking about? That would really suck to have over $25 million and then die before being able to spend it. I’ve been really worried about you and I’m glad to hear you are okay.
But, have no fear my friend. You’ve come to the right person. I’m a huge supporter of the war in Iraq and I thank you for your service, even if you’re missing your right arm and left big toe from the accident. By the way, did you know that they can recreate your big toe using nano-technology taken from aborted fetuses in pigs? True.
Please tell me how I can help you. I don’t know much about diplomatic anything, but I’ll do what I can. I can’t even drive an automatic (similar to diplomatic) car. People do tell me I’m sort of spasmatic, which means I can help you. I anxiously await your reply. There is so much I can do with a few million dollars. And because you are such a brave and noble soldier who lost his arm and toe fighting a righteous cause, I only require 45% of the take. You can use the extra 5% to buy an arm from another person who isn’t using theirs. Just make sure you don’t end up with two right arms. People might laugh at you.
And have no fear about keeping a low profile. I used to be a boy scout.
Your [New] Friend,
You can read more Nigerian Scammer posts HERE. And I just realized that I let the whole “kicking fine the bossom of the Almighty” comment slide without so much as a comment. Man, I’m slippin’.