Like Giving Candy To A Baby

I finally have internet. Today, Comcast showed up and hooked us up with some cable and high-speed internet (at a cost, of course). So, to celebrate, I’m going to post a Nigerian Scam email I recently got. I haven’t done this in awhile. A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting one of my longtime supporters, Terri, from Adopt A Platoon and a frequent commenter here. We went to bowling alley and talked while my kids bowled. She kept telling her friend, Dawn, about the Nigerian Scams that I did here. I realized I hadn’t done one in awhile. Then, I got this in my inbox literally minutes ago and had to take advantage of it. So, here’s another in my long line of Nigerian-type Scam the Scammer, um, Scams:

Date:09/01/2006
Ref: ILP/HW 47509/02
Batch:05/763638/IPD
Winning no: 08 14 19 28 29 48
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Dear Sir/Madam,

We are delighted to inform you of the result of the E-mail address ballot lottery draw of the BRITISH cash-out lotto bv international programme,which took place on the 09th of January 2006.This is a computer generated lottery of Internet users using email addresses for draws.

This lotto draw is fully based on an electronic selection of winners using their e-mail addresses from different World Wide Web(www)sites.Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 275-189-657-23-06 with Serial number 8756-056 drew the lucky numbers Ball number 8Ball number 14Ball number 19Ball number 28Ball number 29Ball number 48and bonus ball numberBonus Ball number 6which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £2,500,000.00 (TWO MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND ONLY) in cash credit file ref:ILP/HW 47509/02.
This is from the total cash prize of £20,000,000.00 Million pounds,shared amongst the first Ten (10) lucky winners in this category.All participant were selected randomly through a computer balloting system drawn from Nine hundred thousand E-mail addresses from Canada,Australia,United States,Asia,Europe, Middle East, Africa and Oceania as part of our international promotions programme which is conducted annually.This Lottery is being promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of Multinational companies as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.

Further more your details(e-mail address) falls within our European representative office in LONDON,as indicated in your play coupon and your prize of £2,500,000.00 will be released to you from the regional branch office in LONDON.

We hope with part of your prize,you will participate in our end of year high stakes for £5, Billion international draw.Our agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.

HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE:
Simply contact your claims agent, Mr.Lawarence Springs by this email…. (email deleted)
by filling this form below and send it to him to file for your claim .
LOTTERY WINNERS APPLICATION FORM OF PAYMENT.

And my response:

Dear Mr. Lawarence,

My name is David Sneakers and I got your email today. It took me a long time to find my lottery ticket that you are referring to, but I found it under my bed hiding. I was using it as a bookmark in my…umm…National Geographic magazines. And dad said I was wasting my time entering the thing!! Shows you what he knows.

I had to read it a bunch of times because I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what that little “£” meant. Since I am only 13 years old, I can only assume that I’ve won 2,500,000.00 £lamas since that’s what I’m doing a science project on for my school studies. At least that’s what I was told when I sent in the $5 for the raffle ticket.

I really like llamas and having 2.5 million of them seems awefully gracious. I realize that I am the sole winner, but I wonder if you can do me a favor in making payment. I have a friend who is very sad. He’s never been loved the way a normal child should be loved and now he just has low self-esteem. He even sometimes tries to make others feel just as terrible as he does by bringing them down with him. I really think that my friend, Salfred Minio, could use a few llamas. I bet they would become lifelong friends and he’d have someone to talk to who might actually see his disjointed point of view for once. Can you deliver at least 10 of them to him? I really don’t have space for all 2.5 million of them, but if you delivered those ten to him, it would be easier to find room in my back yard.

I would also like to donate 10 to each of my classmates in the third grade. I know you’re wondering why a 13 year old is in the third grade, but it’s a long story. I think I may actually graduate this year. I don’t think it’s fair that kids with weak bowels get held back like this. Do you have weak bowels? I thought I was on the rebound when I opened your email. Everything came gushing back.

Anyway, I’d also like to have some £lamas sent to other places. Please send 250 to the people in Afghanistan. They could use them looking for that guy Bin Laden. Last I heard, he was hiding out with other celebrities like Kurt Cobain, Elvis Presley, and Ren & Stimpy. What do you think? I heard he also had bowel movement issues. Could you sell about 100,000 of the £lamas and use them to purchase him a colonostomy? I read about those in my sister’s health book. She’s younger in me, but in a higher grade. She always laughs at me.

Thanks for picking me to win. The only thing I’ve ever won was a little scorpion encased in glass from one of those claw machines. And then, I only won because I got angry, punched the glass and stole it.

Your friend,

David Sneakers.

You can some of my other (and frankly, better) Nigerian Scam responses HERE.

11 Comments on “Like Giving Candy To A Baby

  1. LMAO! I just checked out this section. Things have been kind of hectic here in Texas, with starting a new job and trying to get settled in. Glad to see you’re back to scamming the scammers! Soooooooooo…… when ya coming to Texas to visit again????

  2. Ahhhhhhh CJ- you’re BACK! I love the scam-the-scammers stuff you do…. you are so talented at it! Welcome back!

  3. Welcome back David Sneakers. 😉 We have missed you.

  4. Dusgalan, your idea for the checkboxes on tax forms is superb! I’d use that to support combat units in a flash.

  5. I can’t help it, whenever you write one of these, after reading it I always picture the confused, furrow-browed face of the perplexed person on the other end, trying to decide if they should pursue this ‘connection’ out of sheer greed despite the insanity of your replies, or if this dog simply won’t hunt; time to cut and run. (chuckle)

  6. There ought to be some of those checkboxes on tax forms like you see for presidential campaigns and stuff. Only that it go for units in combat zones. It’d almost be a pleasure to “earmark” a portion of our taxes. Wonder if writing my congressman would help? OOps, there I go again, better get my head out of….sorry guys….sarcasm is catchy as flu.
    dusgalan of mt

  7. Well, here’s where you’ll see my only criticism of what bush is doing with this war: he hasn’t raised taxes to pay for it. We can’t afford to buy “rivits and cheepmetal.” It’s not the Army’s fault.

  8. Oh, congrats on getting your high speed internet!!

  9. Ha! Ha!
    CJ,
    You are too funny! How in the world do you think of all that stuff? I liked the part about giving Salfred Minio 10 llamas. Maybe that would do the trick! Hee!

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh, I needed that!! 🙂

  10. I would have never known. Someone who’s narrow view of the Army makes him bitter and critical of the military is your hero!? Ya’ll are like soulmates.

    Hey, I’ll admit that the military has its problems. There are a lot of idiots in our business. But, we’re staffed by people and people make those mistakes. I’ve seen good leaders and I’ve seen bad leaders.