Representative David Sneakers (R-AR)

You know, sometimes life has a way of looking up. I haven’t written one of these in awhile and felt like I needed a pick me up. This is how I entertain myself – with Nigerian Scams. As always, you can read my response to this email below.

From: BRITISH LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
Subject: October-2006 Award Winning Notification..(Ticket Number:564
75600545-188)

BRITISH LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
PROMOTIONS/ PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT.
60 Merriman Road
Blackheath
London SE3 8RZ
England.

CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ref. Number: BTL/491OXI/04
Batch Number: 12/25/0304
Ticket Number:564 75600545-188
Serial Number: 5388/02

Attn: Winner,

ONLINE NOTIFICATION OF WINNING
Europe/America private international e-games organizers and co-sponsors,BRITISH LOTTERY, officially bring to your notice the final draw result of October-2006 BRITISH LOTTERY-wheel E-game which was conducted at our international corporate office complex in The United Kingdom. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number 564 75600545-188 with serial number 5388/02 drew lucky numbers 7-14-18-31-45, which consequently won in the 1ST category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of USD2,500,000 (Two Million, five hundred thousand dollars).CONGRATULATIONS!

Most recently this foundation set up the NEW LOTTERY SCHEME to award prizes based on COMPUTER BALLOT SYSTEM.By doing this the foundation seek to encourage the use of Internet for academic and business pursuits.Its major aim is to promote music,theater,art,literature, projects in the social and political arena with a focus on health,as well as science,research, and higher education.We wish to congratulate and inform you on the selection of your email coupon number which was selected among the 45 lucky consolation prize winners.

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims have been fully processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid multiple claims and unwarranted abuse of this program by some members of the public.

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 company and 30,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. This lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate a group of multinational companies in Europe as part of their social responsibility to the citizens. This Lottery Program Jackpot is the largest ever for British Lottery. The biggest was the $363 million jackpot that went to two winners in a May 2000 drawing of The Big Game, Mega Millions’ predecessor.

Your fund is now deposited in an offshore bank with a hardcover insurance.Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we advice that you keep this award from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to your nominated bank account as this is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unwarranted taking advantage of this program by the general public.

For the release of your winning, kindly contact your claims supervisory officer at the The National Lottery Head Quarters via bellow informations:

Dr. Willaims Spencer
Foreign Services Manager,
Payment and Release Order Dept.
Phone: (+44) 701113 7597
E-mail: xxxxxxxxxxx@britishinterntional-onlinegames.org

Furthermore, should there be any change in your address, do inform your Claims agent as soon as possible. You are to fill the form below and send it to the claims agent via email:

Full name:
Full Address:
Country:

Congratulations once again from all members of our staff and thanks for being part of our promotions program.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Bill Flint,
Executive (International Sweepstakes).

Program Warning!!! Fraudulent emails are circulating that appears to be impersonator using our names and addresses, but are not from the LOTTERY ONLINE PROGRAM PLEASE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO CUSTOMER CARE/COMPLAINTS DEPT.

Note: Participants below 15 years are automatically disqualified. All e-mail transmission/correspondence are 100% protected by our Secured Socket Layer (SSL) server.

And now, my response…

Mr. Flint,

This news couldn’t have come at a better time. First of all, thank you for addressing me as “winner”. As you may know, our country just went through an election to which I was privileged to be a part. However, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my day that I didn’t think anyone would find out about. As a Representative of the great state of Arkansas (pronounced AR-Cans-Ass), I had the self-pleasure of servicing many members of my constituency. Unfortunately, one can only handle so many political scandals.

I’m sure you’ve heard about my illicit Capitol building romps with Tina, my catholic pet llama. When the public found out that I had fathered bastard llama children, I was immediately ostracized. Add to that the fact that I’m a Republican. When other llamas found out that I had written a book describing scantily clad llamas called “Llamas Without Pajamas” I was done for.

Needles to say, after the elections, I was voted out of office for someone who preferred the more accepted breed of sheep. I’m now jobless, llama-less, and facing many lawsuits. I actually made the decision to step into he unemployment line for the first time tomorrow morning.

BUT YOU CHANGED ALL THAT!! $2.5 million!! That will pay for my lawyers, my rabies shots, hoof in mouth disease treatments (don’t ask), and feed for years. I have to be honest. I was a little worried about this at first that it might be some sort of scam. That was before I read your last paragraph. I can’t believe that some people would have the nerve to use your good name and reputation to commit crimes. I’d even be willing to donate about $500,000 of my prize to helping find those people and prosecute them to full extent that your lawless society allows. It’s just unconscionable.

Anyway, can you pay me in small installments of like $100 or something. My wife and I are in the middle of a divorce and she’ll want the money to buy some front teeth (they were knocked out in a fight with Tina when we were caught together at the Van Vleet, Arkansas Motel 69) and get a nose job.

Sincerely,

David Sneakers

6 Comments on “Representative David Sneakers (R-AR)

  1. Are your sure 2.5 mil would be enough for all of those lawsuits? A million dolars doesn’t seem to go far enough for politicians these days. (Not that the average American couldn’t find plenty to do with a sum like that.) And paying out the winnings at $100 a month…wouldn’t that take like 2,083 years to pay out? Hehehehe.

  2. As long you’re not the one singing like that to me we’ll be good, David.

  3. Cpl M, you’re from Arkansas?! Me too. I’m from a the little town of Van Vleet! We should get together sometime and share barnyard stories. I met with CJ already and you know he’s from Texas! You what they say about Texas: the only thing that comes out of Texas are Steers and Manly Men and I don’t see horns on his head. But seriously, his sheep don’t compare to ours. Texans are even sicker because they prefer the lambs before they even become sheep. There should really be a law.

    And Happy Marine Corps birthday. HERE’s a birthday song for you. Just substitute USMC where appropriate.

  4. WELCOME BACK David! I’ve missed your Nigerian Scammer stories. hehehehehehehe Somehow David always tends to know, just when I need a good laugh!

  5. Dood! SO WRONG! I’m from Arkansas! You knew that, too! You’re trying to make fun of me on the night before my Corps birthday, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!

    Couldn’t help but laugh. Nice to see the good llama hasn’t forgotten about us.

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