Updated on July 14, 2011
Tis The Season
It’s been awhile since I’ve been around, but I’ve been traveling the world trying to collect the millions of dollars I’ve won through internet lotteries and stuff. Turns out they were all scams! Who knew?! But, this one is real. I can feel it in my bones:
UK GAMING BOARD [email deleted to protect my investment] wrote:
You have won in our Xmas/UK promo the sum of Â£4,000.000.00 (Four Million Pounds Sterling). Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds. Contact Mrs. Catherine Nola.
Email- [email deleted to protect my investment]
Here’s my response:
I’ve never won anything in my life, but I’m worried. You see, I don’t celebrate Xmas and I’m not from the UK. I don’t even watch the X-Files. I do, however, enjoy a good xylophone player. One time, at band camp, our xylophone player got really angry and began pulling off the xylophone bars (those are the parts that the players beat with sticks). Then the resonators allow the beautiful sound to “resonate” throughout the air. That’s why they call them resonators.
Anyway, he began pulling off the bars and throwing them at the saxophone players (which, coincidentally, also has an X in it). Some of them got stuck in the reeds and one guy lost an eye. My momma was right!!
I wonder why they call it Xmas. Does that mean that a xylophone could actually really be called a christylophone? Or is there really a such thing as a sachristaphone? I’m just wondering because there is no X in Jesus Christ, the reason for the season (I made that up, by the way! It’s patented and I get $.26 every time someone says it). Did you know that one reason people use Xmas is that X means “chi” (pronounced “Kye”) in Greek and is the first letter in Christ? Some people think that by using Xmas you are taking Christ out of Christmas. What do you think?
Anyway, I digress. Is there any way to get my four million pounds in kilograms? How many kilograms is four million pounds? I bet I’m rich now. Anyway, go ahead and send me the money. If you’d like, you can have a little as a “tip”. Is 500 milligrams too much? Just let me know and we’ll work it out. I don’t think it’s fair that I get all this free money and you just sit there like an idiot giving it out and get nothing in return. What a miserable existence that would be!! Besides, I don’t want to forget the little man (or woman – are you a woman?).
I’ll be eagerly anticipating your response and receipt of the cold hard cash.
I’ll keep you informed.